Saudade
by sreedman
Summary: Saudade-a Portuguese word which describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for someone that one was fond of and which is lost. He was her everything, but was she his? Can E & B reconcile? When is it too late? AH E/B rated M language and lemons.
1. Chapter 1: Prologue

**A/N: Dear readers, thank you so much for stopping by! This story has changed a bit since I last posted. I've decided to re-arrange the timeline so I can include more chapters and back story. More fun for you guys! If you're a returning reader, forget the first chapter and start again. If you're new, welcome and I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all recognisable characters and settings from The Twilight Saga belong to Stephenie Meyer and/or Summit. All of my original characters and this story belong to me and are not to be reproduced unreasonably* in any format without my express written consent.**

***what constitutes unreasonable use is in my sole discretion, but reproduction such as printing for personal use or sharing small portions of text for quotes on social networking sites is generally OK. Reproducing this work for commercial use in any form without acknowledgement of authorship is NOT OK and neither is blatant plagiarism. Use common sense.**

CHAPTER 1 - Prologue

**Saudade- **

A Portuguese and Galician word difficult to translate adequately, which describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.

Saudade has been described as a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, a turning towards the past or towards the future. A stronger form of saudade may be felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as a lost lover, or a family member who has gone missing. It may also be translated as a deep longing or yearning for something which does not exist or is unattainable.

Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" or "the love that stays" after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone (e.g., one's children, parents, sibling, grandparents, friends) or something (e.g., places, pets, things one used to do in childhood, or other activities performed in the past) that should be there in a particular moment, is missing.

**-Wikipedia**


	2. Chapter 2: Moving In

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all recognisable characters and settings from The Twilight Saga belong to Stephenie Meyer and/or Summit. All of my original characters and this storyline belong to me and are not to be reproduced unreasonably in any format without my express written consent.**

CHAPTER 2 – Moving In

October 1999

High school. To most kids, it's something to look forward to. Entering a world where you can finally embrace the notion of "growing up" but still be stupid, young and invincible at the same time. _Well, I'm not 'most kids' I guess._

I've been the odd one out for as long as I can remember. The girl with a crazy single mom instead of a big happy family, the girl who can't afford the trading cards or snap bracelets or whatever the latest stupid fashion is because of it, the girl with the skin of a ghost growing up in a town that is literally inundated by sunlight.

As far as I'm concerned, I've done all my growing up, and I never cared for being careless. High school is just a shitty place I have to go to get an education in what our society deems important for our future careers. While I want to be successful, I really couldn't give a fuck about Math or whatever. My success thus far in school has only been a product of my lack of friends and subsequent marriage to the library at lunchtime.

Tomorrow, I am entering high school for the second time, because I have made a potentially catastrophic decision to move over 1000 miles from my hometown of Phoenix, Arizona to my dad's sleepy little town of Forks, Washington.

"Are you sure you want to do this honey? You're going to be starting 9th grade again part way through the first semester. We can always turn around," Charlie, my ever-concerned Police Chief father patted my knee as we drove from the airport towards my new home.

_Am I sure? Fuck no! But there's no way I'm going back now!_

"Yes dad, I'll be _fine_," I stressed, "I need to let mom and Phil be alone for a while. And I missed you."

"I missed you too honey," Charlie's smile reached his eyes and my decision was re-affirmed. I really had missed my dad all those years in Phoenix. My parents had met whilst mom lived in Forks and dad was a rookie. They were very young, crazy in love and a little reckless. The result? A baby and a marriage doomed from the start between a die-hard small town cop and a free-spirited wanderer who could never be chained down in the rainiest place in the continental U.S.

My parents had persisted in their marriage until I was 8 years old and in the 2nd grade. I don't know how they managed to last that long with all of the bickering and the anger and anxiety. From a young age I could see through their attempts to look united; I saw the yearning in my mother's eyes and the sadness in my father's. Finally they sat me down one cold winter morning and broke the news.

Though it didn't come as any surprise, I was still angry and confused. I was the closest to my mom, and always saw it as my dad's fault that they couldn't be together again. During the custody hearings I made it clear that I would rather be with Renee, so she took me to Phoenix and never looked back.

We lived a quiet life, her as a kindergarten teacher doing the best she could to make ends meet. I would visit Charlie in Forks each Summer; growing closer to him each passing year and dreading the return to the desert in the Fall to the Valley (of Hell) Middle School, and the plastic girls and cookie-cutter boys who I increasingly failed relate to.

Everything changed when Phil came into the picture a year ago. A young investment banker with a big paycheck but an even bigger heart swept my mom off her feet. Phil was nice enough, but he travelled a lot for work and I sensed that mom was desperately lonely, looking after me whilst he was away. So, ultimately I decided that it was time for a sea change, leaving mom to be in love and travel with Phil and me to take a belly flop into a place that most kids wouldn't ever go to by choice.

_But yeah, like I said... I'm not 'most kids'._

I couldn't remember how cold and _green_ Forks was in the Fall, so I was shivering but swept away by the beauty of the forest that encroached upon the road. "Charlie, how much further?" I asked, gazing at the pattern of rare sunlight through the magnificent pines.

"Hey, call me 'dad' _Isa_bella, and we're just about here," he rolled his eyes as we pulled up to our old white weatherboard house that seemed out-of-place with the surrounding brand new _mansions_. Charlie, noticing my expression grumbled "yeah, it's a little dwarfed huh? The land here is good and it's a quiet area so I've attracted some pretty wealthy neighbours. I was offered some good money by the developers to head on out but, you know... This was where I had most of my memories with you and..."

"Aw _dad_!" I got out of the car and buried my face in my chest. The traitor tears were threatening to ruin my aloof attitude. "You didn't have to do that. I don't care about the house, but it's nice that you thought of me."

Charlie hugged me back, albeit awkwardly. I was getting older, and though I was seemingly doomed to be trapped in a gawky stage of adolescence; nowhere near as womanly and gorgeous and well-endowed as the girls back in phoenix. I'm a little taller than last year, but I could just as easily still fit right in at middle school. I sensed how difficult it might be for Charlie to be solely responsible for a teenage daughter and made a promise to go a little easy on him.

_Well, it's not like I was going to ask him about boys and periods and makeup anyway... Eww._

The ground was soggy, no doubt the result of a recent shower. I had just grown out of my only pair of rain boots and made a mental note to go shopping for some badly needed wet weather gear. "Jesus Bella, what the hell did you pack in here?" Charlie huffed, hauling my suitcase out of the trunk of his cruiser and up the stairs to the landing."

_Whoops... _"Not much, but there's a tonne of books in there so..." I picked up the rest of my belongings and headed inside. Nothing much had changed since my last visit, but Charlie had obviously spent some time dusting and had done a little repair work on the shutters and cabinets, ready for my arrival.

"Hi Bella!"

"HOLY _CRAP!_" I shrieked as a pixie-sized girl threw herself onto me and nearly knocked me backwards as I entered my bedroom. The offending pixie jumped down and bit her lip, whilst tapping her foot. She looked harmless enough, but despite her remorseful expression I couldn't detect an ounce of actual guilt.

"Uh, oopsie!" The intruding, surprising, pixie-devil squeaked, "I'm Alice, you new neighbour! We're going to be the _best _of friends."

"Um, okay," I held her at arm's length, "just give me a chance to restart my heart. Seriously, Alice? I think I almost had a stroke!"

_Actually, more like almost wet myself. Thank God for toilet stops._

"Yeah sorry about that," the obviously unapologetic Alice replied, "you have to come over and meet my brothers! They remember you from elementary school, I'm sure of it. Well, at least I do. And we _have _to do something about this room. Purple, Bella? That was so last season! And those drapes, oh my goodness." The little ball of energy scrutinized my space with the eye of an interior decorator. It might take me a while to warm up to her, but it would probably be a bad idea to make enemies with the neighbours. I conceded to at least attempt to get along.

"Right, okay. You can do up my room I promise, as long as you don't scare me like that ever again. Ever," I pleaded.

After a whirlwind of unpacking with much less help than judgement of my wardrobe by Alice, it was late afternoon. "Come over for dinner Bella, pleaaaaaase? I've already cleared it with Charlie!"

_Awesome, so the pixie-tornado and Charlie are in cahoots. It's like my worst nightmare come true._

"Yeah okay, okay. I promised I would meet your family," I folded, knowing that she would inevitably find a way to get me over there, even if it took a drugging, some ropes and a blindfold.

"Yes! Awesome! I knew you'd come!" Alice beamed, "and wear this," she threw the only classically 'nice' dress that I owned. _Not that I would know what 'nice' was. Fashion was not my area of expertise_. "It will make your boobs look good, and blue is _so _your colour."

"Um Alice, what boobs, and why-"

"Ah! Shush now!" she tittered, "trust me. I'll leave you some time to get changed. Wear your hair out too, and then come over to number 4." Alice bounced out of the room, down the stairs and twirled through the door.

_Right. I just got told._

"She's a firecracker that Alice, huh!" Charlie leaned against my doorframe, "I learned early on in the piece not to say no. She gets her way every time. I suggest you do the same, it's for the better. Plus, you need some friends Bella." Charlie raised his eyebrows, waiting.

"You know already then that I've been roped into dinner... I know you guys have been plotting, don't try to deny it!" I smirked and threw a pillow that Charlie deftly blocked. _Well, it's not like he had to move very far to get away from my terrible aim._

"Just get over there," he chuckled, shutting my door. I turned to my dresser and examined my reflection. The mirror never lies, and thus I was disheartened by what I saw. A plain, pale, far-too-skinny girl with limp brown hair and flat brown eyes. I doubted that a short blue dress could do anything to help, but resigned myself to at least give it a go. Maybe it would take the attention away from my face. Anyway, who was I trying to impress? Alice seemed to like me already, and I'm sure her parents were just as welcoming.

Was it the prospect of _male_ attention? I mean, I had never really had any admirers back in phoenix. I was too much of an outcast for that. I had crushes just like any other girl, but nothing ever came from it. I was a typical, embarrassed-horny-hormone filled teenage girl but I had never had an outlet for those feelings; boys just weren't interested in the bookworm.

_Damn it Bella!_ I thought. Why would Alice's brothers be any different? Plus, I didn't even know how old they were. For all I knew, I could be worrying about the opinion of a married 25 year old, or worse, a toddler! _Gross!_

I sighed, stepping out of my trusty ensemble of jeans and a sweater and slipped the dress on. The silky fabric felt good against my skin and the dress really _did_ make me feel a little better about myself. My hairbrush snagged on my uncooperative curly tresses, but I eventually made it look presentable. Alice, the meddling girl, had left me some expensive-looking lip gloss and mascara to wear and as such I felt obligated to use it.

_And I don't even know how to put it on... great!_

After some trial and error, I managed to get the offending material onto my eyelashes and lips without smudging and decided to wear mom's pearl choker that she'd given to me as a going away gift. With a steely resolve, I grabbed by coat and silver strappy flats and headed over.

"You look, wow! Beautiful Bells! The Cullens won't know what hit 'em," Charlie said, taken aback.

As reliable as ever, the blood pooled in my cheeks from embarrassment. "Thanks dad... Um, I'm going now." I strolled down the steps and over to the Cullen's house, nervous but excited. I was glad to meet Alice's parents as I usually felt more at home with adults, but I was also a little terrified to share dinner with people my own age, who attended my new school. They could (and probably would) form not-so-positive opinions about me and spread them through the cohort before I had even arrived.

_Right, here goes!_ I rang the doorbell. After a few heart-thumping minutes, I leaned against the door to catch my breath and stop myself from running back to the safety of my decrepit little house.

"Ahh!" I squealed as the doors swung open and I began to fall. Resigning myself to certain death, or at least serious injury, I was surprised when I landed on something warm and soft and _muscular_.

"Woah there tiger. Are you okay?" the velvet-smooth voice asked, "I wouldn't recommend leaning against doors in the future..."

_Definitely died. This is heaven._

"Um, yeah, what?" I lost all ability to form coherent sentences as I opened my eyes and realised that I was sprawled awkwardly on top of the most attractive person that I had ever seen. So handsome in fact, that I was suddenly worried that I might have been drooling.

"Um, yeah. Let's get you up. You must be Isabella. Alice has been raving about you all afternoon," he pulled me to my feet as I stared into his emerald green eyes. They were set off perfectly by a mop of perfectly tousled bronze hair and an angular face. And _that JAW_. Unf!

_Oh shit Bella. I think you've been staring for longer than what is generally considered socially acceptable. He probably thinks you're retarded or something._

"Uh, yeah. Um, Bella. My name is Bella," _Crap! Shut up before you profess your undying love or word vomit some more_, "Nice to finally meet one of the famed brothers of Alice Cullen," I finally managed a smile.

"I'm Edward," he formed a perfect half-grin with a cocky raised eyebrow, "and _Bella_, it was nice to meet you too, although I hope our future encounters are not so dangerous. Alice has been waiting, come on in."

_Gulp._


End file.
